Lord-
It is Sunday night of an exhausting week (past) and weekend. At times it is hard. You know how hard it is Lord to get up and walk around in a world that is not our home. We were made to exist with you and not be held captive by our sinful flesh.
I don't mean this as discouragement, but it is something that I am actively battling. The light dispels the darkness and sends it running. Thank you for being the God of the realms that are too dark to imagine. You are the God of illumination. You take our experiences with darkness and turn them into moments of light for you.
Sometimes I feel like my prayers do not rise above my mind. I get frustrated because I feel like I do not know how to listen to you. I feel like I don't ask the right questions. Then today I came across a quote while reading for class about prayer really encouraged me:
"In a new way I began to realize that true answers to prayer are those that bring the greatest glory to God, not those that satisfy my immediate needs [or what I think those needs are]." -- Paul G. Hiebert, from The Flaw of the Excluded Middle. (brackets mine)
Sometimes in my prayer times I feel like I want to talk to You, Jesus, about something, but then you bring up another subject. Lately my heart has been exposed so much that it is sore from the world's wounds on it. Lord, I know you are doing many things in me because the darkness comes to choke me often, but you are bigger. The song I referred to last week still applies to me this week: "Whatever you're doing inside of me. It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see. But I'm giving into something heavenly."
Lord, I'm unsure with what tomorrow and what my time after school will look like, but I am confident that not only will you see this good thing in my to completion, but that you began that good work to begin with. Sometimes I push myself off to the side saying why would anyone want to know or work with me, but God you began a good work in me because you choose to. That choice is so powerful to me, because love lately has been hard to feel. I know that is being very honest, but it is true. I am not trying to make myself a martyr. You know that I am not someone who takes things lying down, but lately you are reacquainting me with what love looks like. It is in the hands and feet of those around me. I cannot always feel it (or want to feel it) but it is there. You are there holding me as I walk into unsure places. Sometimes lately I feel like crying more than breathing because my exposed heart is very open and exposed.
Lord you are doing a mighty work in me because you are altering my habits, heart, and the way I think. That pattern is not broken easily. Please be my daily redeemer from this broken world. Lord you are bigger than my fearful moments and thoughts. My insecurities run deep, but you are deeper. You are deeper than the weeds of sin in my heart. You are the gardener uprooting the lies in my life and in daily thoughts. It is not hard or peaceful, but you bring the calm after the storm ordained by you. I am still in the storm, but thank you for the promise of calm in you. Please be the calmness that I dwell in today and tomorrow.
Good night my almighty peace giver.
To the keeper of my turbulent heart.
In your name,
Amen (as a declaration of your glorious promise to hear us and work things together for good for those who love you, Lord ~ to this promise I cling)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Easter in Retrospect
Lord-
Redemption weekend was an experience like nothing I remember growing up. Easter has always been about family, traditions, and church. Those things are good, but You are the main reason we remember Easter. Sometimes I fall into what the culture around me tells me to think. Going through this Easter alone (without my family) really made me think about the true meaning of the cross.
On Friday, I thank you for remembering me while You were on the cross. You knew what sins I was going to stumble over before I ever came into being. This Friday I spent the day walking around the city and really praying over some issues. You really broke me Lord over some strong holds in my life, parts of my heart and mind where lies had taken root. I realized that this Easter was when you wanted those surrendered to you. I went into the retreat day assuming you were going to say one thing and struggling when you didn't end up saying the thing I thought. Something better happened though: You had me approach some things that really freed me from some binding lies. I thank you for that.
Saturday. The song that says "whatever you're doing inside of me/it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace" (by Sanctus Real) was how I felt on Saturday. I felt chaotic with emotions, but somehow there was peace. Jesus, you were weeding out the lies and really renewing me through me doing basic tasks such as cleaning the bathroom and homework. You were healing my mind by giving me mundane, self-explanatory things to do. The routine and quietness on Saturday really did help heal me this weekend. Thank you.
Sanctus Real video:
Resurrection Sunday. I went to church, and at church the most powerful part of the service was the drama put on by youth from the church. It was set to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. It depicted this girl who meets you, Jesus, and begins a relationship with you, but then she gets pulled away and distracted by things of this world: relationship with a guy, money, drinking and partying, body-image issues and eating disorders, and lastly by the threat of cutting and suicide. But at the end she throws the gun away and runs toward you again as the world's things try to hold her back. The skit really shows how the world can get (and tries to get) in the way of our relationship with you, Jesus. But my favorite part of the whole skit that really sent me into tears was the part where the girl is struggling and struggling to get to you, Jesus, and when she finally gets pulled to her knees you jump behind her and shield her from all the forces of this world as she worships you. The struggle continues behind you, and then in one mighty force you cause all the forces to fall away and stillness to return.
Below are two links depicting the skit (not done at the church I attended) but the same skit done in two different churches (both are great):
Thank you Jesus for this Easter and how you isolated me to talk to me and help me root out things in my life that I was not letting your sacrifice cover. Lord, you are the King of Kings and my redeemer.
In your cleansing name,
Amen
Redemption weekend was an experience like nothing I remember growing up. Easter has always been about family, traditions, and church. Those things are good, but You are the main reason we remember Easter. Sometimes I fall into what the culture around me tells me to think. Going through this Easter alone (without my family) really made me think about the true meaning of the cross.
On Friday, I thank you for remembering me while You were on the cross. You knew what sins I was going to stumble over before I ever came into being. This Friday I spent the day walking around the city and really praying over some issues. You really broke me Lord over some strong holds in my life, parts of my heart and mind where lies had taken root. I realized that this Easter was when you wanted those surrendered to you. I went into the retreat day assuming you were going to say one thing and struggling when you didn't end up saying the thing I thought. Something better happened though: You had me approach some things that really freed me from some binding lies. I thank you for that.
Saturday. The song that says "whatever you're doing inside of me/it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace" (by Sanctus Real) was how I felt on Saturday. I felt chaotic with emotions, but somehow there was peace. Jesus, you were weeding out the lies and really renewing me through me doing basic tasks such as cleaning the bathroom and homework. You were healing my mind by giving me mundane, self-explanatory things to do. The routine and quietness on Saturday really did help heal me this weekend. Thank you.
Sanctus Real video:
Resurrection Sunday. I went to church, and at church the most powerful part of the service was the drama put on by youth from the church. It was set to the song "Everything" by Lifehouse. It depicted this girl who meets you, Jesus, and begins a relationship with you, but then she gets pulled away and distracted by things of this world: relationship with a guy, money, drinking and partying, body-image issues and eating disorders, and lastly by the threat of cutting and suicide. But at the end she throws the gun away and runs toward you again as the world's things try to hold her back. The skit really shows how the world can get (and tries to get) in the way of our relationship with you, Jesus. But my favorite part of the whole skit that really sent me into tears was the part where the girl is struggling and struggling to get to you, Jesus, and when she finally gets pulled to her knees you jump behind her and shield her from all the forces of this world as she worships you. The struggle continues behind you, and then in one mighty force you cause all the forces to fall away and stillness to return.
Below are two links depicting the skit (not done at the church I attended) but the same skit done in two different churches (both are great):
Thank you Jesus for this Easter and how you isolated me to talk to me and help me root out things in my life that I was not letting your sacrifice cover. Lord, you are the King of Kings and my redeemer.
In your cleansing name,
Amen
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
A Song of the Heart
Lord-
Music is amazing. Sometimes I find myself really listening to you through a song. Today has been one of those days. Just in things going on and what I am listening to you tell me through other people, I find myself connecting the dots of my life right now to see your purpose. You are truly the builder and the wrecking ball (as Jill Phillips sings about in her song, "Wrecking Ball").
The song that kept repeating in my head today has been "Only Love Remains" by JJ Heller. This song is just beautiful, Lord, as it tells of how you make us stronger and take away everything until only love remains within us. One phrase that just hits me every time I hear the song is "be careful with me Jesus as you tear me apart. I love this because the girl in the song is admitting and facing the fact that she needs discipline and needs the correction from you, Lord. Jesus this reminds me of why you sometimes let us dwell in our brokenness to achieve your holiness.
Lord, I just pray for all of us who are dwelling in our brokenness and looking at the world through cracked lenses. God, you are the one who has us look a certain way to see or let you identify the needs around us. Lord it is hard for you to tear us apart for your name. It is so hard. So, Lord, I cry out that you would be gentle as you tear me apart to put me back together to bring you glory through my actions and my stillness.
Below is the song. Lord, I pray it will be my heart's theme right now. Please let others also identify with it.
Lord thank you again for the beautiful gift of music and sound. Please let us make your name known through it.
Thank you Jesus.
In your restorative name,
Amen
Music is amazing. Sometimes I find myself really listening to you through a song. Today has been one of those days. Just in things going on and what I am listening to you tell me through other people, I find myself connecting the dots of my life right now to see your purpose. You are truly the builder and the wrecking ball (as Jill Phillips sings about in her song, "Wrecking Ball").
The song that kept repeating in my head today has been "Only Love Remains" by JJ Heller. This song is just beautiful, Lord, as it tells of how you make us stronger and take away everything until only love remains within us. One phrase that just hits me every time I hear the song is "be careful with me Jesus as you tear me apart. I love this because the girl in the song is admitting and facing the fact that she needs discipline and needs the correction from you, Lord. Jesus this reminds me of why you sometimes let us dwell in our brokenness to achieve your holiness.
Lord, I just pray for all of us who are dwelling in our brokenness and looking at the world through cracked lenses. God, you are the one who has us look a certain way to see or let you identify the needs around us. Lord it is hard for you to tear us apart for your name. It is so hard. So, Lord, I cry out that you would be gentle as you tear me apart to put me back together to bring you glory through my actions and my stillness.
Below is the song. Lord, I pray it will be my heart's theme right now. Please let others also identify with it.
Lord thank you again for the beautiful gift of music and sound. Please let us make your name known through it.
Thank you Jesus.
In your restorative name,
Amen
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Eventful and Shoeless
Lord-
Wow it has been a week since recording our conversation here. Lots has been going on. To rewind this past week, it was hard. I moved and am now staying somewhere different, so preparing for that to happen this weekend has been kind of stressful, but Lord I really believed that it was you giving me a way out of a tough situation. When you give us open doors we need to walk through them. I thank you for the strength to get through last week. It was exhausting, and this week seems to be a catchup day.
But something I have just been reflecting on today has been your will in our lives and our response to you needs to acknowledge your holiness. The way other people from other traditions practice reverance is taking off their shoes. A junior high youth group I am involved in also does this before entering into their sanctuary dedicated to you, Lord, in prayer in worship. They remove their shoes and do not talk in this particular room out of reverance and in worship of You. I really like this idea.
It also makes me think that I need to take my mind "shoes" when approaching you in prayer and reading your word. There is so much that my culture and world makes me carry with me, and really I need to be removing all that hinders and run the race (or sit at your feet) unhindered. I think of Mary and smile because in my mind she is sitting shoeless listening to you talk in her home. I am Martha often and need to come into the living room, remove my shoes and sit at your feet, Lord. Thank you for giving me that to actively think on.
As I often do, I can relate this to a song. This causes me to think of the song "Traveling Light." It talks about leaving everything in God's capable and trustworthy hands.
Thanks for always speaking into our lives, Lord.
Lots of Love.
In your capable hands and name,
Amen
Wow it has been a week since recording our conversation here. Lots has been going on. To rewind this past week, it was hard. I moved and am now staying somewhere different, so preparing for that to happen this weekend has been kind of stressful, but Lord I really believed that it was you giving me a way out of a tough situation. When you give us open doors we need to walk through them. I thank you for the strength to get through last week. It was exhausting, and this week seems to be a catchup day.
But something I have just been reflecting on today has been your will in our lives and our response to you needs to acknowledge your holiness. The way other people from other traditions practice reverance is taking off their shoes. A junior high youth group I am involved in also does this before entering into their sanctuary dedicated to you, Lord, in prayer in worship. They remove their shoes and do not talk in this particular room out of reverance and in worship of You. I really like this idea.
It also makes me think that I need to take my mind "shoes" when approaching you in prayer and reading your word. There is so much that my culture and world makes me carry with me, and really I need to be removing all that hinders and run the race (or sit at your feet) unhindered. I think of Mary and smile because in my mind she is sitting shoeless listening to you talk in her home. I am Martha often and need to come into the living room, remove my shoes and sit at your feet, Lord. Thank you for giving me that to actively think on.
As I often do, I can relate this to a song. This causes me to think of the song "Traveling Light." It talks about leaving everything in God's capable and trustworthy hands.
Thanks for always speaking into our lives, Lord.
Lots of Love.
In your capable hands and name,
Amen
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