Dear Lord,
I think I've figured out why I'm reluctant to put pen to paper or my voice to a song. I walk into book stores and music stores and am overwhelmed at the sheer number of volumes that envelope me as I make my way around the maze of shelves. What has not been sung about? What has not been written about? Nothing, possibly! But then you whisper to me the idea that if everything Jesus said and did in his WHOLE lifetime was written down, then there would not be enough volumes on earth to contain it all. So I am in a constant state of tug-a-war with my feelings of being overwhelmed and my feelings of wanting to leave my story in song or written form.
You have bugged me for a while to write, and I've been consistently coming up with excuses or switching the channel to another feed. Somethings I think I watch so many movies because it suppresses my urge to write or sing. But then again what do I have to offer to the world. My imperfections sing opera in my head whenever I ever do try to put pen to paper (or in the modern world now: fingers to keys). I feel like I'm waiting for the right moment or time or person or inspiration to start writing my story. I've been keeping my mind occupied lately instead of writing. I'm being honest here, but there is one person that always inspires my writing. -- To that person (you don't know who you are) I thank you. Whenever I talk with you (that person) I feel like I really could write. I talked to you today actually, and then I wanted to write again. Whenever I think of you, I think of writing. Thank you again. -- <-- Those are words I wish I could say out loud, but blogging needs to be enough right now.
Sorry Lord for not always being honest with myself or with others sometimes. Writing here seems like a chicken approach, but along with the volumes of songs and titles that overwhelm me rejection seems worse somehow. I think that I would rather keep my stories hidden in my heart or my blog than share them at times. Anonymity seems like hiding, but I hide well. All of mankind really good at hide-and-seek though. You know this, Lord. You had the first game with Adam and Eve in the garden.
So Lord, I'm still overwhelmed with the books and albums, but I'm beginning to get the idea that you have something for me to say. I just need to keep listening for now.
Thank you Lord for you patience with a messy person like me. My spirit is unkept lately, but I know that you are my peace, my time keeper, and my innkeeper. May you unlock the words and let them find a way onto paper for your glory and not mine. Again may you bring them for you and not for me.
From your child who is still playing hide and seek to the innkeeper who always finds her.
In your name,
Amen
Monday, December 27, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Jesus, my timekeeper
Dear Jesus-
I usually call you Lord, but today I want you to be much more than my Lord. I'm nearing the end of my vacation and find myself heart sick. I wish I had something firmly to hold onto today. I love my job and teaching my students, but what am I working toward? Someone in my work mentioned another position they want to recommend me for. I was flattered by the offer (because it would be more money and more recognition), but well there is a "but" in my gut. I want to DO something well work toward something. It has been a long time since I talked with the friends from grad school and it breaks me a little bit thinking about it. These were the people I spent 18 months of my life with, and no words have been exchanged since May. I do a really good job of isolating myself. I am mediocre at so many things, but something I'm really good at is separating myself from people. I should have been in track because I can run really well.
Jesus lately you have hit me with the thought of going back to China. Last time it ruined me for the bad and good, but can I really go back? There are so many things that would really have to fall into place for that to come true. I want to stretch my faith and make changes today for the melody of eternity. My heart is wanting to stretch, but last time I fell into a huge hole when I got back. I am still not healed from the depression and I am not fixed (as I would want to see myself). You used broken people before...Can you do this again? Can I go back? Do you want me to go back? Is this only me?
Emmanuel (God with Us)!!! Please sit next to me today and whisper your will over the wind and touch me with grace. I am scared of making a move without you. It reminds me again of my favorite passage in Exodus 33 when Moses is tucked in the cleft of the mountain and you pass before him to show him you are going with him. Where is my cleft, Jesus? Can you show me where to hide in you? Show me your grace in motion and where I need to dance with you in the motion. That is something truly remarkable that Wheaton taught me: instead of surging ahead and trying to serve the Lord, listen and watch for where God is already moving and then join into the dance of eternal rhythm that is keeping time to his heart. Jesus please be my time keeper.
Please be my timekeeper in my heart. You are the one who brought me a peace sign when I needed to rest in your peace, and now you bring me a clock when I need to keep in mind that you are my eternal and momentary timekeeper of my heart. Please bring me into your beat, your time, your moments, your will, your love, your Word, your all...
Thank you for revealing your desire to be my timekeeper. Just as you were Dr. C's timekeeper at Wheaton for when you would bring her partner, you are my timekeeper for that and so much more. Please let me step to your time and learn to dance a dance of love and truth.
The song that you are currently keeping time to Jesus and guiding me to sway to is "The Truth is Who You Are" by Tenth Avenue North. Please lead me to your time and kind touch of real truth in you.
I usually call you Lord, but today I want you to be much more than my Lord. I'm nearing the end of my vacation and find myself heart sick. I wish I had something firmly to hold onto today. I love my job and teaching my students, but what am I working toward? Someone in my work mentioned another position they want to recommend me for. I was flattered by the offer (because it would be more money and more recognition), but well there is a "but" in my gut. I want to DO something well work toward something. It has been a long time since I talked with the friends from grad school and it breaks me a little bit thinking about it. These were the people I spent 18 months of my life with, and no words have been exchanged since May. I do a really good job of isolating myself. I am mediocre at so many things, but something I'm really good at is separating myself from people. I should have been in track because I can run really well.
Jesus lately you have hit me with the thought of going back to China. Last time it ruined me for the bad and good, but can I really go back? There are so many things that would really have to fall into place for that to come true. I want to stretch my faith and make changes today for the melody of eternity. My heart is wanting to stretch, but last time I fell into a huge hole when I got back. I am still not healed from the depression and I am not fixed (as I would want to see myself). You used broken people before...Can you do this again? Can I go back? Do you want me to go back? Is this only me?
Emmanuel (God with Us)!!! Please sit next to me today and whisper your will over the wind and touch me with grace. I am scared of making a move without you. It reminds me again of my favorite passage in Exodus 33 when Moses is tucked in the cleft of the mountain and you pass before him to show him you are going with him. Where is my cleft, Jesus? Can you show me where to hide in you? Show me your grace in motion and where I need to dance with you in the motion. That is something truly remarkable that Wheaton taught me: instead of surging ahead and trying to serve the Lord, listen and watch for where God is already moving and then join into the dance of eternal rhythm that is keeping time to his heart. Jesus please be my time keeper.
Please be my timekeeper in my heart. You are the one who brought me a peace sign when I needed to rest in your peace, and now you bring me a clock when I need to keep in mind that you are my eternal and momentary timekeeper of my heart. Please bring me into your beat, your time, your moments, your will, your love, your Word, your all...
Thank you for revealing your desire to be my timekeeper. Just as you were Dr. C's timekeeper at Wheaton for when you would bring her partner, you are my timekeeper for that and so much more. Please let me step to your time and learn to dance a dance of love and truth.
The song that you are currently keeping time to Jesus and guiding me to sway to is "The Truth is Who You Are" by Tenth Avenue North. Please lead me to your time and kind touch of real truth in you.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Long Time No Post
Lord-
Yes, it has been a while since I've recorded our conversations here, but lately you have begun to inspire me more to write. I was walking around Borders today (since I am off of teaching this week) and got to thinking about the book that you want me to write. I got inspired again. But then I started thinking: "Look at all these books here in the store, what could they all possibly have to say? What could I possibly have to say? Should I be acting on my motivations instead of putting pen to paper?" Those were the words that kept spinning around in my mind. What do you think Lord? What do you have for me to say? What are you telling me to say?
I'm listening. Please let me hear you.
Your daughter, sitting, standing, walking, stopping, and looking for you...in your name,
Amen
Yes, it has been a while since I've recorded our conversations here, but lately you have begun to inspire me more to write. I was walking around Borders today (since I am off of teaching this week) and got to thinking about the book that you want me to write. I got inspired again. But then I started thinking: "Look at all these books here in the store, what could they all possibly have to say? What could I possibly have to say? Should I be acting on my motivations instead of putting pen to paper?" Those were the words that kept spinning around in my mind. What do you think Lord? What do you have for me to say? What are you telling me to say?
I'm listening. Please let me hear you.
Your daughter, sitting, standing, walking, stopping, and looking for you...in your name,
Amen
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Little Light
Lord-
I praise you for your faithfulness and love. You are the only true one who can restore us and bring us into our true purposeful self. You are big and great Lord. I stand in your praises today because I have this sense of peace and love. You give us each a light and you are the one supplying the energy to run it. Thank you for your light and strength to shine it. Just like my light cannot shine by my will alone, God is the one that supplies the strength, means, and atmosphere. In Exodus 33, my favorite Bible passage, Moses talks to the Lord and says that if the Lord's presence does not go with them, then may the people not go up from the land. He asked God to reveal himself and his presence, and the Lord went beyond going with Moses in spirit. God put him in the cleft of the mountain and passed by so that Moses would see God's back.
That passage is my favorite because God not only goes with Moses, but God assures Moses that he will go and even reveals himself to Moses. God wants to do the same thing with me. He wants to fulfill my request to see him and tuck me into a situation that provides a view to his magnificence. Sometimes my various clefts are hard place (between a rock and a hard place -- jk!), but at other times it is a joyous cleft.
Lord thank you for the clefts and cracks. You are redeemer of broken things.
In Jesus name,
Amen
I praise you for your faithfulness and love. You are the only true one who can restore us and bring us into our true purposeful self. You are big and great Lord. I stand in your praises today because I have this sense of peace and love. You give us each a light and you are the one supplying the energy to run it. Thank you for your light and strength to shine it. Just like my light cannot shine by my will alone, God is the one that supplies the strength, means, and atmosphere. In Exodus 33, my favorite Bible passage, Moses talks to the Lord and says that if the Lord's presence does not go with them, then may the people not go up from the land. He asked God to reveal himself and his presence, and the Lord went beyond going with Moses in spirit. God put him in the cleft of the mountain and passed by so that Moses would see God's back.
That passage is my favorite because God not only goes with Moses, but God assures Moses that he will go and even reveals himself to Moses. God wants to do the same thing with me. He wants to fulfill my request to see him and tuck me into a situation that provides a view to his magnificence. Sometimes my various clefts are hard place (between a rock and a hard place -- jk!), but at other times it is a joyous cleft.
Lord thank you for the clefts and cracks. You are redeemer of broken things.
In Jesus name,
Amen
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Repentance
Lord-
You have overcome the world, but I still feel trapped sometimes by it. There is so much in our culture that is hard to face and avoid. Please take away the temptations that stare me down like a bull in a china shop. Once one item comes crashing down, I feel completely broken. I'm sorry for letting the cracks of sin invade my life a little bit at a time. Please show me your goodness and forgive me for wanting something temporary as a fix to my emotions. You gave us emotions, but this world just lives to feed them with the temporary and with things that taste good briefly. Please show me a world in you that is sweeter than anything offered by this world. I'm sorry. I lay down my guilty hands for you to correct me. "Thank you" is hard right now, but Jesus please overcome my feelings, emotions, and temptations.
Please...my flesh is so real that it hurts at times...often lately.
Lord, in your redeeming and forgiving name I cling and ask you to help me overcome,
Amen
You have overcome the world, but I still feel trapped sometimes by it. There is so much in our culture that is hard to face and avoid. Please take away the temptations that stare me down like a bull in a china shop. Once one item comes crashing down, I feel completely broken. I'm sorry for letting the cracks of sin invade my life a little bit at a time. Please show me your goodness and forgive me for wanting something temporary as a fix to my emotions. You gave us emotions, but this world just lives to feed them with the temporary and with things that taste good briefly. Please show me a world in you that is sweeter than anything offered by this world. I'm sorry. I lay down my guilty hands for you to correct me. "Thank you" is hard right now, but Jesus please overcome my feelings, emotions, and temptations.
Please...my flesh is so real that it hurts at times...often lately.
Lord, in your redeeming and forgiving name I cling and ask you to help me overcome,
Amen
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Writing on the Walls of Hearts
Lord-
Thank you for your faithfulness. Even in situations that feel like they are drowning me, you are there. Thank you for staying right beside me even when I feel sort of helpless. You are greater than my emotions. Thank you so much. You are giving me back the freedom in you. You are beautiful and you have made me see that. Lately I have been quietly and silently agonizing over getting a job. Lord you came through and provided me with one. Part of me wanted it far away from home, but I know that is just my reaction to run from hard things and uncomfortable things. I have been reading Do Hard Things by the Harris brothers, and you have been revealing to me that the hard things I see in front of me are things that you have put there for me to walk through. Right now it is not running but sitting and developing the calling you gave me to teach. Thank you for giving me a gift I love. May you please lead me to a place, a church, to serve and use my passion for you.
Also right now I have been listening to a new song by Todd Agnew called Written on the Wall. This is the chorus: I wish you still spoke through burning bushes. I wish you still wrote on blocks of stone. Cause the sound of this world's deafening, and I'm having a hard time listening. And I wish your will was still written on the wall.
Lord, this morning you surpassed these words and really gave me a word of encouragement. Even though you don't write on blocks of stone walls, you write on the walls of our hearts. Thank you for the words of peace, encouragement, and love that I have read lately on my heart. Thank you for your will, even if I don't know it. You are love and you are the only one that heal my frayed emotions at times. Thank you.
Please reignite the desire for you and your word again in me. My heart gets dulled and tarnished by the values of this culture and world. Please re-polish my heart and emotions to shine you and not the lies and distortions that this world and land write and record into our minds. My head is so full of this culture, that often I forget to talk to you sometimes. Please reapply your beauty. Sure, this culture, I have to live in, but you created me for something greater. Please give me words to write and may it touch lives, even just one. You have more plans than any man could even imagine.
Thank you Lord for your eternal love.
In Your Name,
Amen
Thank you for your faithfulness. Even in situations that feel like they are drowning me, you are there. Thank you for staying right beside me even when I feel sort of helpless. You are greater than my emotions. Thank you so much. You are giving me back the freedom in you. You are beautiful and you have made me see that. Lately I have been quietly and silently agonizing over getting a job. Lord you came through and provided me with one. Part of me wanted it far away from home, but I know that is just my reaction to run from hard things and uncomfortable things. I have been reading Do Hard Things by the Harris brothers, and you have been revealing to me that the hard things I see in front of me are things that you have put there for me to walk through. Right now it is not running but sitting and developing the calling you gave me to teach. Thank you for giving me a gift I love. May you please lead me to a place, a church, to serve and use my passion for you.
Also right now I have been listening to a new song by Todd Agnew called Written on the Wall. This is the chorus: I wish you still spoke through burning bushes. I wish you still wrote on blocks of stone. Cause the sound of this world's deafening, and I'm having a hard time listening. And I wish your will was still written on the wall.
Lord, this morning you surpassed these words and really gave me a word of encouragement. Even though you don't write on blocks of stone walls, you write on the walls of our hearts. Thank you for the words of peace, encouragement, and love that I have read lately on my heart. Thank you for your will, even if I don't know it. You are love and you are the only one that heal my frayed emotions at times. Thank you.
Please reignite the desire for you and your word again in me. My heart gets dulled and tarnished by the values of this culture and world. Please re-polish my heart and emotions to shine you and not the lies and distortions that this world and land write and record into our minds. My head is so full of this culture, that often I forget to talk to you sometimes. Please reapply your beauty. Sure, this culture, I have to live in, but you created me for something greater. Please give me words to write and may it touch lives, even just one. You have more plans than any man could even imagine.
Thank you Lord for your eternal love.
In Your Name,
Amen
Sunday, May 9, 2010
A True Victory
Lord-
Lately Lord I have given my list of excuses of why I should not dwell wholeheartedly in your presence. I come with a heart full of repentance into your presence Lord. Please forgive me. You promise that you will never leave me. Lord you make me strong and fill up my reserves, Jesus. In your Word it talks about how "in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27).
Lord ours is a battle that you have already fought for us and won, and your victory resounds across the plains of the present, past, and future. You hold all the battles in your hands and even enlist the Spirit to intercede for us. Thank you Jesus for fighting for us even when we do not eagerly enlist ourselves into your daily presence. Thank you for drawing me back toward you.
Because it is true that our victory is deeper and wider than we could imagine. You, Lord, are a general who not only leads us forward but you design all things for the good of those who love you, Jesus. In Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, she records the voice of God whispering to her saying, "Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design" (May 8th entry).
Sometimes, Jesus, I go and go and go all the time. In God Calling by A.J. Russell, he records the Lord's urgings to him to "know that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Nay, more. know that you can do all things through Christ who rests you" (pg 99). Lord, please lead me to my busy moments and then lead me beneath you umbrella of rest and peaceful moments in your presence. You are greater than all the mind relaxing techniques that the world relies on.
Lord, you also supply and resupply me with strength to oppose and rally against the fake mask that I often slip into portraying something I am not. When I am resting in the folds of your shield I find that I am not worried about what the world says I should be and I cling to your idea for me. That is the strength of truth you give me.
Lastly, Lord you are teaching me to go further into the fold of the battle with you. Beth Moore describes this thoroughly in her book Further Still, "Life can be almost unbearable at times, can't it? The one and only thing that has gotten me through my hardest times has been turning them into invitations [or enlistments] to go further still with God" (pg 6). Jesus you enlist me in your truth. Thank you Jesus.
"Who may ascend the hil of the Lord? Who may stand in the holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false" (Psalm 24: 3-4).
Lord thank you for making me holy by giving me a clean, pure heart. Thank you for casting my sins as far as the East is from the West. Lord you fight for me. Lord you supply me with strength. You take me to your place of strength and have me come as I am.
Thank you Jesus, the supplier of strength and general of my army.
In your wide and might name,
Amen
There are two powerful songs that I have been listening to in truth today. Below is the new one by Addison Road called "Fight Another Day" calling and rejoicing in the strength to walk and battle in the folds of the Lord's army.
Another powerful song is by Adie Camp called "Where Could I Go". Have a listen.
Lately Lord I have given my list of excuses of why I should not dwell wholeheartedly in your presence. I come with a heart full of repentance into your presence Lord. Please forgive me. You promise that you will never leave me. Lord you make me strong and fill up my reserves, Jesus. In your Word it talks about how "in the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God" (Romans 8:26-27).
Lord ours is a battle that you have already fought for us and won, and your victory resounds across the plains of the present, past, and future. You hold all the battles in your hands and even enlist the Spirit to intercede for us. Thank you Jesus for fighting for us even when we do not eagerly enlist ourselves into your daily presence. Thank you for drawing me back toward you.
Because it is true that our victory is deeper and wider than we could imagine. You, Lord, are a general who not only leads us forward but you design all things for the good of those who love you, Jesus. In Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, she records the voice of God whispering to her saying, "Look to Me in trust, anticipating that My infinite creativity can weave both good choices and bad into a lovely design" (May 8th entry).
Sometimes, Jesus, I go and go and go all the time. In God Calling by A.J. Russell, he records the Lord's urgings to him to "know that you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you. Nay, more. know that you can do all things through Christ who rests you" (pg 99). Lord, please lead me to my busy moments and then lead me beneath you umbrella of rest and peaceful moments in your presence. You are greater than all the mind relaxing techniques that the world relies on.
Lord, you also supply and resupply me with strength to oppose and rally against the fake mask that I often slip into portraying something I am not. When I am resting in the folds of your shield I find that I am not worried about what the world says I should be and I cling to your idea for me. That is the strength of truth you give me.
Lastly, Lord you are teaching me to go further into the fold of the battle with you. Beth Moore describes this thoroughly in her book Further Still, "Life can be almost unbearable at times, can't it? The one and only thing that has gotten me through my hardest times has been turning them into invitations [or enlistments] to go further still with God" (pg 6). Jesus you enlist me in your truth. Thank you Jesus.
"Who may ascend the hil of the Lord? Who may stand in the holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false" (Psalm 24: 3-4).
Lord thank you for making me holy by giving me a clean, pure heart. Thank you for casting my sins as far as the East is from the West. Lord you fight for me. Lord you supply me with strength. You take me to your place of strength and have me come as I am.
Thank you Jesus, the supplier of strength and general of my army.
In your wide and might name,
Amen
There are two powerful songs that I have been listening to in truth today. Below is the new one by Addison Road called "Fight Another Day" calling and rejoicing in the strength to walk and battle in the folds of the Lord's army.
Another powerful song is by Adie Camp called "Where Could I Go". Have a listen.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Lazy Day
Lord,
Today has been tired, me that is... Lord I can't really see what is to come, but I feel more acutely than ever that I need to write more. I feel like you've put that book about my mission trips on my heart to 1) connect with people from the past, 2) encourage young people, 3) encourage the leaders of today, and 4) give me someway to leave something that will last.
That is why I love scrapbooking and recording events because they are records of the past that I want to share with the next generation, even if it is only my future nieces and nephews. I guess I feel like my family generations before me had very few things to hand down to me, and I want to give the things I am recording and organizing to someone. Sometimes it makes it easier for us to continue and walk the road in front of us if we know where are our roots are and where we come from. This does not mean that you Lord do not overcome the past and turn things into all good for those who love you, but sometimes I feel like I don't know my roots at all. I don't mean to criticize, but it just something often on my mind and heart lately.
Lord it reminds me of that song by Nicole Nordeman, Legacy. I want to leave a legacy, even if it is quiet and seemingly shallow to me. Lord. You are my future and my legacy. Tell me what to do and what to write. Thank you for your Legacy in your Word.
In your name,
Amen
Today has been tired, me that is... Lord I can't really see what is to come, but I feel more acutely than ever that I need to write more. I feel like you've put that book about my mission trips on my heart to 1) connect with people from the past, 2) encourage young people, 3) encourage the leaders of today, and 4) give me someway to leave something that will last.
That is why I love scrapbooking and recording events because they are records of the past that I want to share with the next generation, even if it is only my future nieces and nephews. I guess I feel like my family generations before me had very few things to hand down to me, and I want to give the things I am recording and organizing to someone. Sometimes it makes it easier for us to continue and walk the road in front of us if we know where are our roots are and where we come from. This does not mean that you Lord do not overcome the past and turn things into all good for those who love you, but sometimes I feel like I don't know my roots at all. I don't mean to criticize, but it just something often on my mind and heart lately.
Lord it reminds me of that song by Nicole Nordeman, Legacy. I want to leave a legacy, even if it is quiet and seemingly shallow to me. Lord. You are my future and my legacy. Tell me what to do and what to write. Thank you for your Legacy in your Word.
In your name,
Amen
Saturday, January 30, 2010
My Perception of You, Lord
Lord,
I've really began to examine how I view you and relate to you. Who are you to me compared to who you represent yourself in the Bible? Am I being too narrow when there is so much of you to know? How do my wounds shape how I view you? I guess I need to be more faithful to how you really are as your Word tells you are. That is one aspect in my life that requires me to read more of the Bible today. I am worn out by the faith of this world and the faith of the church (as a whole). I guess I'm tired of man's promises instead of yours. I can't depend on man, and I know that is so true. Lord, you are bigger than what I think and what I believe. I know this and I ask that you make it more and more real to me. Lord please let me hold tight to you true you, not the one the church portrays or anyone else for that matter.
Lord you are bigger, denser, brighter, more peaceable, cleaner, safer, more distinct, more definable, more open, kinder, more trustworthy, more graceful, more beautiful, and gentler than any love we find on the earth. I want to love someone that echos you and those things that are bigger than me, but I need to know the echo-maker before I can be a true echo. Please make me a true echo of your love and patience. I pray that I not be one of judgment, but of compassion and more forgiving than I can sum up in my hopes.
Lord you know I struggle to love two extended members of my family that I find frustrating, selfish, and at times unlovable. Love is an obligation and right now I only do it out of obedience, not out of want or need. Lord, before I felt so guilty, but I know now that I only have enough strength right now to love them out of obedience right now. You do not find me guilty. You find me agreeing with your commands. One day I will voluntarily love them, but right now pain is too close to the surface. Anger comes too easily. Lord you are greater than these, but really I find it hard to make my frustration cease. I try to obey Lord, you, as you have commanded. I know you know I cannot handle much else right now. Lord you are great and merciful by only giving us what we can handle at each moment.
Lord you have this moment and the next. Please be with my friends from school and make them your instruments of peace and may you bring them peace and breaths of rest. Please walk with them.
Thank you for your river of love.
In your name,
Amen
I've really began to examine how I view you and relate to you. Who are you to me compared to who you represent yourself in the Bible? Am I being too narrow when there is so much of you to know? How do my wounds shape how I view you? I guess I need to be more faithful to how you really are as your Word tells you are. That is one aspect in my life that requires me to read more of the Bible today. I am worn out by the faith of this world and the faith of the church (as a whole). I guess I'm tired of man's promises instead of yours. I can't depend on man, and I know that is so true. Lord, you are bigger than what I think and what I believe. I know this and I ask that you make it more and more real to me. Lord please let me hold tight to you true you, not the one the church portrays or anyone else for that matter.
Lord you are bigger, denser, brighter, more peaceable, cleaner, safer, more distinct, more definable, more open, kinder, more trustworthy, more graceful, more beautiful, and gentler than any love we find on the earth. I want to love someone that echos you and those things that are bigger than me, but I need to know the echo-maker before I can be a true echo. Please make me a true echo of your love and patience. I pray that I not be one of judgment, but of compassion and more forgiving than I can sum up in my hopes.
Lord you know I struggle to love two extended members of my family that I find frustrating, selfish, and at times unlovable. Love is an obligation and right now I only do it out of obedience, not out of want or need. Lord, before I felt so guilty, but I know now that I only have enough strength right now to love them out of obedience right now. You do not find me guilty. You find me agreeing with your commands. One day I will voluntarily love them, but right now pain is too close to the surface. Anger comes too easily. Lord you are greater than these, but really I find it hard to make my frustration cease. I try to obey Lord, you, as you have commanded. I know you know I cannot handle much else right now. Lord you are great and merciful by only giving us what we can handle at each moment.
Lord you have this moment and the next. Please be with my friends from school and make them your instruments of peace and may you bring them peace and breaths of rest. Please walk with them.
Thank you for your river of love.
In your name,
Amen
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010 now
Good (morning), but really afternoon,
Lord, today I think I'm coming down with something. My eyes kind of burn and my headaches. I am not used to feeling kind of sick. But besides that I think this year is going to be great. Sure the job prospects are a bit elusive, and I am not really knowing where I'm going next. But I am hopeful in You and your plans for me. I will try to write more here this year. I said "more" instead of a number because I think that that goal is probably easier to attain.
Something else this year that is very interesting is that I am starting a writing project. It is about mission trips and how valuable they are to the development of young people in today's churches. I think it will be mostly in journal form, based on my journals. I think I need to write this for me as well as others. I feel like much of my initial theology and faith by build and pieced together when going on these trips with my youth group.
Even since I took the theology class in graduate school, I have felt that my initial base of theology and my faith started at such a young age. Thank you for that. I now have such a rich history in that. Now I can lean on that history, Lord.
Thank you for your foundations you set in me and the work you are bringing to your plan of completion.
In Your Son's name,
Amen
Lord, today I think I'm coming down with something. My eyes kind of burn and my headaches. I am not used to feeling kind of sick. But besides that I think this year is going to be great. Sure the job prospects are a bit elusive, and I am not really knowing where I'm going next. But I am hopeful in You and your plans for me. I will try to write more here this year. I said "more" instead of a number because I think that that goal is probably easier to attain.
Something else this year that is very interesting is that I am starting a writing project. It is about mission trips and how valuable they are to the development of young people in today's churches. I think it will be mostly in journal form, based on my journals. I think I need to write this for me as well as others. I feel like much of my initial theology and faith by build and pieced together when going on these trips with my youth group.
Even since I took the theology class in graduate school, I have felt that my initial base of theology and my faith started at such a young age. Thank you for that. I now have such a rich history in that. Now I can lean on that history, Lord.
Thank you for your foundations you set in me and the work you are bringing to your plan of completion.
In Your Son's name,
Amen
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