Lord-
It is Sunday night of an exhausting week (past) and weekend. At times it is hard. You know how hard it is Lord to get up and walk around in a world that is not our home. We were made to exist with you and not be held captive by our sinful flesh.
I don't mean this as discouragement, but it is something that I am actively battling. The light dispels the darkness and sends it running. Thank you for being the God of the realms that are too dark to imagine. You are the God of illumination. You take our experiences with darkness and turn them into moments of light for you.
Sometimes I feel like my prayers do not rise above my mind. I get frustrated because I feel like I do not know how to listen to you. I feel like I don't ask the right questions. Then today I came across a quote while reading for class about prayer really encouraged me:
"In a new way I began to realize that true answers to prayer are those that bring the greatest glory to God, not those that satisfy my immediate needs [or what I think those needs are]." -- Paul G. Hiebert, from The Flaw of the Excluded Middle. (brackets mine)
Sometimes in my prayer times I feel like I want to talk to You, Jesus, about something, but then you bring up another subject. Lately my heart has been exposed so much that it is sore from the world's wounds on it. Lord, I know you are doing many things in me because the darkness comes to choke me often, but you are bigger. The song I referred to last week still applies to me this week: "Whatever you're doing inside of me. It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. It's hard to surrender to what I can't see. But I'm giving into something heavenly."
Lord, I'm unsure with what tomorrow and what my time after school will look like, but I am confident that not only will you see this good thing in my to completion, but that you began that good work to begin with. Sometimes I push myself off to the side saying why would anyone want to know or work with me, but God you began a good work in me because you choose to. That choice is so powerful to me, because love lately has been hard to feel. I know that is being very honest, but it is true. I am not trying to make myself a martyr. You know that I am not someone who takes things lying down, but lately you are reacquainting me with what love looks like. It is in the hands and feet of those around me. I cannot always feel it (or want to feel it) but it is there. You are there holding me as I walk into unsure places. Sometimes lately I feel like crying more than breathing because my exposed heart is very open and exposed.
Lord you are doing a mighty work in me because you are altering my habits, heart, and the way I think. That pattern is not broken easily. Please be my daily redeemer from this broken world. Lord you are bigger than my fearful moments and thoughts. My insecurities run deep, but you are deeper. You are deeper than the weeds of sin in my heart. You are the gardener uprooting the lies in my life and in daily thoughts. It is not hard or peaceful, but you bring the calm after the storm ordained by you. I am still in the storm, but thank you for the promise of calm in you. Please be the calmness that I dwell in today and tomorrow.
Good night my almighty peace giver.
To the keeper of my turbulent heart.
In your name,
Amen (as a declaration of your glorious promise to hear us and work things together for good for those who love you, Lord ~ to this promise I cling)
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