Jesus, my timekeeper

Dear Jesus-

I usually call you Lord, but today I want you to be much more than my Lord. I'm nearing the end of my vacation and find myself heart sick. I wish I had something firmly to hold onto today. I love my job and teaching my students, but what am I working toward? Someone in my work mentioned another position they want to recommend me for. I was flattered by the offer (because it would be more money and more recognition), but well there is a "but" in my gut. I want to DO something well work toward something. It has been a long time since I talked with the friends from grad school and it breaks me a little bit thinking about it. These were the people I spent 18 months of my life with, and no words have been exchanged since May. I do a really good job of isolating myself. I am mediocre at so many things, but something I'm really good at is separating myself from people. I should have been in track because I can run really well.

Jesus lately you have hit me with the thought of going back to China. Last time it ruined me for the bad and good, but can I really go back? There are so many things that would really have to fall into place for that to come true. I want to stretch my faith and make changes today for the melody of eternity. My heart is wanting to stretch, but last time I fell into a huge hole when I got back. I am still not healed from the depression and I am not fixed (as I would want to see myself). You used broken people before...Can you do this again? Can I go back? Do you want me to go back? Is this only me?

Emmanuel (God with Us)!!! Please sit next to me today and whisper your will over the wind and touch me with grace. I am scared of making a move without you. It reminds me again of my favorite passage in Exodus 33 when Moses is tucked in the cleft of the mountain and you pass before him to show him you are going with him. Where is my cleft, Jesus? Can you show me where to hide in you? Show me your grace in motion and where I need to dance with you in the motion. That is something truly remarkable that Wheaton taught me: instead of surging ahead and trying to serve the Lord, listen and watch for where God is already moving and then join into the dance of eternal rhythm that is keeping time to his heart. Jesus please be my time keeper.

Please be my timekeeper in my heart. You are the one who brought me a peace sign when I needed to rest in your peace, and now you bring me a clock when I need to keep in mind that you are my eternal and momentary timekeeper of my heart. Please bring me into your beat, your time, your moments, your will, your love, your Word, your all...

Thank you for revealing your desire to be my timekeeper. Just as you were Dr. C's timekeeper at Wheaton for when you would bring her partner, you are my timekeeper for that and so much more. Please let me step to your time and learn to dance a dance of love and truth.

The song that you are currently keeping time to Jesus and guiding me to sway to is "The Truth is Who You Are" by Tenth Avenue North. Please lead me to your time and kind touch of real truth in you.