Lord-
It has been a bumpy ride lately, but then again you know that because you are traveling with me. You are traveling with me on my rocky journey. Thank you for that. I'm very sorry that I don't always seeing you standing next to me. Sometimes I grapple in my darkness for familiarity when really you are right there beside me.
I'm struggling in walking with you, even when your expectations don't match mine. You are calling me right now to put down some sacrifices I'm holding in your name and just sit with you in silence. I'm definitely a Martha and not often a Mary. I like doing...it is validating. I struggle with not meeting what my Christian worldview thinks I should be doing as a faithful Christian following you. You are currently redefining my definition of being a servant. I always thought being a servant was doing, but really you will bring yourself glory through me. Your expectations are perfect. Right now I am expecting something different of myself than you are expecting of me. I'm sorry for following the shadows of Christianity around me rather than you. I have so many different ideas and new lessons you are teaching me, Lord, that I don't know how to begin.
Christianity is often hedged in by human expectations, when really you want to know us. I'm sorry that I don't sit in your presence as much as I should. I'm sorry that I feel like my relationship with you is a formula. If I don't do Bible study that morning or if I don't spend time in prayer that day, then you won't answer my prayers or give me insight in solving a problem. This isn't even a conscious thought process at times, but it is a lie. I'm sorry that sometimes I reduce your holiness to an equation of the heart. You are a God not bound by the rules of space and time. If Newton's law (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction) were true, then for my sin death would have no choice but to take me. You are bigger than the "equal and opposite reaction." Thank you for being bigger than the laws of space and time that exist in the present world and in the world of our hearts.
Lord you are revealing to me more and more that you are in light and dark corners of my story. You sat with me in the dark as I screamed with frustration and the moments of light that seemed to outshine you. You are there. You will be there. You are the steadfast love. You sometimes use others to show me love and wisdom, and I thank you for that. Thank you for being there and walking me and, at times, carrying me through my darkest places. You are there and can see the path.
Lord sometimes I try to force together the pieces of the puzzle to show me my purpose in you, instead of waiting for you to put the pieces together. You know what the puzzle box looks like. You have known from the moment I entered this world. I think that you probably sigh when I plan my life based on the current piece I am looking at. I'm trying to not do that, but even this week I found myself sacrificing out of sacrificing sake instead of out of obedience. You do not want a useless offering. You want an offering of obedience. Thank you for showing me that, even though it is a hard hard lesson to learn (and keep learning because I am a human -- oh how true that is daily).
Thank you for letting me look back at a small pieces of puzzled life the witness how you connected the pieces so far. Thank you for letting me reflect lately.
Lord I sat in beautiful quietness reading and listening to someone's life speak into mine. I love biographies/autobiographies because the experiences of others can teach me something about my own walk. I close with a quote of a girl describing how God changed the heart of someone in her life toward her passion for music:
"...I don't really know what happened. All I know is that God opened the heaviest door with such beauty and grace and ease that I didn't have to do any pushing on my own." -- Here's to Hindsight: letters to my former self, by Tara Leigh Cobble.
Lord, you are here.
In your ever present name,
Amen
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